It's Not Always Easy

I have been feeling like I need to share our story about not being able to get pregnant right away. Now that I am pregnant I feel so open about our journey and what I was feeling as the years went by with no child. I mainly feel the need to share because I have many friends that are going through the same thing and friends that have gone through this as well. It's not easy for everyone to get pregnant. It doesn't happen the month you get off the pill for everyone. So I am going to share my story, hopefully to inspire those who are struggling with what I struggled with.

In October of 2011, Ryan and I decided that it was time to start trying for a family. I was worried from the beginning because I never had regular periods and was worried that I may not be able to get pregnant on my own. This was my secret demon that taunted me as the months went by. After I stopped taking my birth control I didn't have a period on my own for almost a year. That was scary to me. To think something is wrong with you and that your body isn't working the way it was meant to work. We finally had a doctor who told us that it was unhealthy to go so long without having a period so she gave me a months worth of birth control to make me have a period. After I had that "induced" period I had a couple on my own, not regular still but on my own which was progress. 

During this time of waiting and trying I never talked about what I was feeling or thinking about. Ryan didn't even know how hard this was on me until after we found out I was pregnant. I just didn't want to worry him or make him feel bad about the things that were bothering me. I knew early on that I wanted to be a mother and I even tried to convince Ryan to start trying as soon as we got married. He wanted to get through school and wanted me to get through school too so we agreed to wait. Which I am grateful for now because I know  that now the time is right for us. Anyway, as the months went on and still no baby I started to really get depressed and down about it. I couldn't understand why it was so easy for some mothers to get pregnant and why it was hard for me. I couldn't understand why my body didn't work the way it was supposed to and that made me angry. I took a couple pregnancy tests during this time and all came back negative. Again, I didn't tell Ryan when I took a test because I didn't want it to get him down either. I could also tell as the we hit the one year mark of  "trying" he was getting really baby hungry. I felt like I was disappointing him by not being able to give him a child. I mostly just felt sorry for myself. 

There was one night that I couldn't sleep so I went out and sat on the couch. A thought came into my mind that I hadn't read my Patriarchal Blessing in a long time, so long that I couldn't remember what it said. So I dug around in Ryan's office until I found it. I was shocked when I read it because it promised me that when the time was right and when I was ready I would become a mother. From that moment on I knew that I couldn't dwell in my sorrow and I couldn't focus on what I couldn't have anymore but rather what I could do. So from then on instead of praying every night for Heavenly Father to give me a baby I prayed for opportunities to serve. I promised that if the opportunities were presented to me then I would take them and serve and forget about myself and only focus on others. Not too long after I got my calling in the church. My calling is to make baby blankets and take them to the new mothers in the ward. It is such a rewarding calling and I get to hold all the cute newborn babies. It wasn't until I lost myself in service that it happened.

According to the doctor I conceived on or around January 12, 2013 (which puts us at a year and close to 3 months trying for a baby). At the being of February I started to feel weird. I was so tired the most tired I have ever felt in my life, I felt nauseous and my breast got twice the size and hurt like crazy. I kept telling Ryan how crappy I felt and he would tell me to take a pregnancy test. I couldn't bring myself to take another test. I just couldn't bare the disappointment. I was in denial for weeks before I finally told myself that if I didn't feel better in another week then I would take a test. The day came (a couple days after Valentines Day) that I decided to take the test. I waited until Ryan had left for work and I was home alone. I told myself before hand that I would take it and wouldn't look at it until the 3 minutes were up. I took the test and set it on the counter. I didn't even get the chance to look away, the two pink lines appeared immediately! I couldn't believe it. All that I have ever wanted and waited for was finally happening. I was glad that I was alone because I crumpled up on the bathroom floor sobbing and laughing at the same time. I'm sure if Ryan had been there I would have just completely embarrassed myself. I remember I just kept saying was thank you over and over again. It was the happiest moment of my life. 

I then had to hurry and get ready for class and then head to work. I came home for lunch and was hoping that Ryan wouldn't be home because I knew I would spill the beans and I wanted to wait until that night to tell him. Well, he was home and I spilled the beans. I couldn't contain myself. Ryan being Ryan started to tell me what I had to stop doing like drinking Mountain Dew and instructed me to take a prenatal right away. He is so good about making me do what I need to for a healthy baby and pregnancy. But I could tell he was happy and freaking out but happy. 

Because I had waited so long and this being my first pregnancy I worried everyday about miscarriage and things going wrong. I couldn't wait to get past the 13 week mark. I still worry at times but once I start to worry I am filled with a peaceful feeling and I know that this is our time and that we have been given one of the greatest blessings. I am so grateful everyday to be given this chance to bring a child into this world. I know that everything will be ok in the end and I am so excited for every that comes with being pregnant. 

That is my story. It's hard to wait for so long but when it finally happens it is worth the wait. My advice to anyone going through the same thing is to stay positive, serve and talk about it. I feel like it would have been easier on me if I just talked to someone about it. Also, trust in Heavenly Father. He has a plan for each of us and knows when the right time for certain things are. So have faith and know that it will happen when it is meant to happen. Even if it means waiting for months or years. It will happen.